As my search with KAS winds down, it has become excruciatingly clear that it is difficult for others to face the outcome of the search. Their investment in hope versus truth has overridden the reality of the situation. KAS is going to send another letter to my mother due to the fact that the third letter was signed for by the co-worker again. We do not know why the co-worker is signing for the letters but KAS assumes they are living with my mother for reasons unknown to us. With the closing of this search being imminent, someone close to me asked: “well why can’t they do more?” My response:

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When Expectations Fall Flat

I know their question was not intended to offend me or cause me pain. Regardless of intent, it made me realize how difficult it is for others to accept that the search will end without any contact from my mother. As much as those who love and support me would like the outcome to be different, I cannot will my mother to contact KAS. All of the hope in the world cannot make her want to reconnect with me. As harsh as that sounds, it is a harshness that I know to be true.

When I began this search, I knew that making contact was a long shot, yet I still wanted to search. I have seen adoptees with more information than I have, try and not be able to reconnect with their parents. It is why seeing reunion stories is so bittersweet. Knowing how difficult it can be for a reunion to occur and knowing that for me, a reunion most likely won’t be in the cards is painful and difficult to acknowledge. Yet I do it because I know it is the truth, as hard and agonizing as it may be.

Accepting Outcomes

I truly appreciate the support that I have received with the search. I think it was eye-opening for some, with many not knowing what the process can be like. Given that each case is unique (as are adoptee perspectives), it is important to understand that while my case may be similar to others, it is not reflective of all cases/situations.

Additionally, while I understand the desire to hold onto hope, for me, it becomes increasingly burdensome when I have to not only reconcile my own feelings around the search, but also cushion the outcome for others. I know that the attempt to keep hope alive comes from a place of caring, of wanting desperately to have a different outcome than the one that is presenting itself right now. However, to deny the meaning of the non-responses to the letters is to deny the reality of my search. At some point, there must be an acceptance for what the non-responses mean, what is being said without needing to say anything at all.

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